In addition to all the regular stress of a new school year, I have been flipping out about kids, whether we really want them, whether we should have them, whether or not I will deeply regret my decision either way, etc. etc. My primary care guy said I should see an OB-GYN specialist before we got serious about it, and I'd heard it can take a while to get into a new practice, so I went looking and to my surprise got in for the following week.
I was there for more than three hours. I was told about amnio and the likelihood of Down's. I gave them as much family medical history as I could. I was given a giant jug to fill with 24 hours' worth of pee, which I had to store in my fridge, behind the milk. I was told that "high-risk" is just a word, that 35 is still young, that we'd have to futz with all or nearly all of my meds, that everything will go better the more weight I can lose before I get pregnant. I was told that after waiting for the Depo to wear off, I'd want to have 3 regular cycles before we started really trying. I was told the Depo should wear off in 3-6 months, and that was a relief, because I'd read it would take longer.
There are a number of looming questions. One is that my husband and I are really happy together and I don't want to fuck that up. Another is we are barely holding it together, household-management wise, and we'd have to seriously step it up in order to create a child-SAFE environment, let alone a child-friendly one. Another is that we should really move somewhere else so we have a place to put the baby, unless we want it to sleep in a dresser drawer. Another: we always thought we'd have cats first (forbidden under our lease; see above re eventually needing to move). Another: Teaching has really made me re-think the whole kids thing, period. Another: Assuming I could get my head around NOT having them, will my mom be able to respect that?
Another: While I put it off for so long, waiting to be gainfully employed and "ready," wanting it to be planned, others around me have neither planned nor waited, and it makes me furious. So do I really want kids, or am I just angry that so many less prudent others get to have them? Do I really want kids, or will I just be angry if it turns out I can't?
What if we try and it doesn't work?
What about the fact that when I came home from the damn doctor, flipping out and sobbing, my husband said, "You can't really plan for a baby! It just happens!"?
I came to the conclusion weeks ago that in order for us to do this both of us would have to change how we live. An awful lot. And I'm not sure he gets that or is really willing to do that.
The doctor said she didn't think we were ready, and that for now I should stay on the Depo, so I went for my shot. I'm covered for three more months. I'll see her again right after Labor Day and she'll tell me about my pee.